The Minute Mary Sue Fanfic Collection
by Butterfly Conlon
Summary: Mary-Sues are something that one can hate more than Spot doing a striptease—wait, make that Crutchy. So wouldn’t it be nice if we could just cut down all the clichéd fan-fics down to say, a minute? Rated for language and pure sillyness.
1. The Girl Newsie with the Tragic Past

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters affiliated with Newsies; they belong to Disney.  
  
A/N: Mary-Sues are something that one can hate more than Spot doing a striptease-wait, make that Crutchy. The good ones we like and the bad ones we revile. But the reeeeally long stories with the reeeeeally bad ones are the worst. So wouldn't it be nice if we could just cut down all the clichéd fan-fics down to say, a minute? I got this idea off of the wonderful Veresna Ussep and it belongs to her but I just had to put a Newsie spin on it. Sigh. You were forewarned.  
  
THE MINUTE MARY SUE FANFIC COLLECTION  
  
THE GIRL NEWSIE WITH THE TRAGIC PAST  
  
Mary Sue: "Oh my God, I'm just so sad. I have such a tragic past. Like my father was eaten by cannibals, my mother was given rabies by a mad goat, and my brother dressed up as a girl and was locked away. So I've been selling my perfect little body into prostitution. Oh, and I have long golden hair like the sun and green eyes like emeralds and I have a killer body to boot. All the guys want to get down my pants."  
  
Jack: "Wow. I just stumbled over something in the dark. It's a girl. Wanna become a newsie and dress in our clothes just for fun?"  
  
Mary Sue: "Yeah!"  
  
Race: "Wow. There's a really beautiful looking girl over there. She can pick up girls and shoot a slingshot better than Spot; seduce Denton faster than Davey; looks sexier in a cowboy hat than Jack; wears shorts better than Mush; and beats me at any poker game. God I'm in love with her all ready and I now must go through the whole entire story yearning for her silently. She's my lovey-dovey baby."  
  
Mary-Sue: "Ewh, look at that Italian over there who smokes all the time. But he is sort of cute in an odd, off beat way. He's my best friend. But he's still sorta cute-- Okay, now some murderous lunatic has come back from my tragic past to kill me!  
  
Jack: "You have to go to Brooklyn with Spot if you want to save yourself. Even if I don't know the true answer."  
  
Mary Sue: "Okay."  
  
Spot: "I'm Spot. I'm an isolated, cocky bastard who goes through women like Race goes through cigarettes. I have a cane, a slingshot, and pink suspenders. You're pretty hot even though I don't know why you're here. Wanna fuck?"  
  
Mary Sue: "Not yet! We need to have more tension between us and you can show me the sites around Brooklyn. You have to make a character change from isolated, cocky bastard to warm, fluffy Spottykins. So we're walking and I can feel myself falling for you more and more each and every day. I have conflicting issues like my feelings for Race and the fact that my brother's trying to kill me."  
  
Race: "And I'm left alone sobbing at the lodging house because she left me."  
  
Spot: "Oh for Christ's sake! Can we just fuck already?"  
  
Mary-Sue: "Yeah."  
  
:: Scenes of wild fucking ::  
  
Mary Sue: "That was nice. But I still have a strange desire for Race--"  
  
Spot: "I was just using you for the sex, you know. I am a cocky bastard with pink suspenders. Oh, look. Your brother's found out you're in Brooklyn and he's come to kill you to avenge some trivial vendetta that the author never mentioned. Oh, shit. He shot you. I'm just going to walk away now."  
  
Race: "Oh, my dear sweet love! You are my sun and my moon! Please don't die on me! I love you so much that I am crying like a pansy for you! Please don't die!"  
  
Mary-Sue: "Yeah, like I'd really die. I'm a Mary-Sue. I'm perfect. We can't die! Anyway when I was in Brooklyn I realized that I loved you."  
  
Race: "Wow. Want to get married?"  
  
Mary Sue: "Yeah right. Want to fuck?"  
  
Race: "Okay. Let me just snub out my cigar." 


	2. The Sister of Rando Newsie Inflicted Wit...

Note from Author: Yes, I am continuing with this bizarre story for I have severe writer's block! Curses! And the fact that tomorrow I am moving into college for my freshman year. I must say thanks to those that reviewed and thanks to the Newsies Mary Sue Litmus Test. I got a lot of cliches from there, go to the website to see if your character's a Mary Sue: . And on we go-  
  
THE SISTER OF RANDOM NEWSIE INFLICTED WITH AMNESIA  
  
Race: "Jack, I was coming back from Sheep's Head and I found this chick washed up from the river. She was all bloody and beaten and stuff. Do you think she can stay?"  
  
Mary Sue: "Hi. I have amnesia."  
  
Jack: "Amnesia?"  
  
Mary Sue: "Yeah. Amnesia. I don't remember anything about my cliched tragic past, which I guess is all the better. But I know I'm really hot. My long chestnut hair is so shiny and my hazel eyes are so big. And if I were to know my name I know that it would be a totally awesome name. And this one here kept trying to push me into alleys to feel me up."  
  
Race: "Was not. I hate you."  
  
Mary Sue: "Fine. I hate you more."  
  
Race: "Well I hate you most."  
  
Mary Sue: "I hate you morer."  
  
Race: "Well I hate you mostest times infinity."  
  
Jack: "Guys, will you stop with the bickering? You know it's only a lame attempt to cover up the feelings of intense sexual attraction you feel towards each other that will culminate in either a great fuck session or a cheesy kiss in the rain where you cry and say you have always loved each other."  
  
Mary Sue: "Whatever."  
  
Race: "I'm out of here to steal more cigars from Snipeshooter. Hey, do you guys know that you bear an uncanny physical resemblance to each other?"  
  
Jack: "Hey, you know, now that I think about it--"  
  
Mary Sue: "Oh my gosh. We like so do."  
  
Jack: "You don't think we could be--"  
  
Mary Sue: "-brother and sister?"  
  
Jack: "Dude, I so think we are!"  
  
Mary Sue: "OMG! This is so creepy! My memory was just magically restored to me! My name is Kassandra Kloppman and at birth I had a twin brother but we were for some mysterious reason the author never described separated at birth! I went on to live with horrible foster parents who made my life a living hell and who beat me all the time. I just murdered them to avenge them for breaking my spirit and I washed up on the river with amnesia when Race found me. Race-why am I having such peculiar feelings for that stinky chain-smoking Italian! I hate him!"  
  
Jack: "Kassandra Kloppman! Do you know what this means! Kloppman is your father! Kloppman is my father!"  
  
Mary Sue: "Oh, I've found my long lost brother at last!"  
  
Jack: "Oh I found my long lost sister at last! Our family is complete!"  
  
Kloppman: "Oh, fuck. I've found my long lost children at last. I thought I had been rid of them long ago."  
  
Race: "I guess you're all one big happy family now."  
  
Mary Sue: "Yes, I guess we are. I've finally found where I belong. What I've been searching for all my life. But why do I still get all hot and bothered whenever I see Racetrack? Oh my God. I think I love him. But I hate him! What's wrong with me?"  
  
Race: "Look at them. One big happy family. I wish I had a family. But I still hate her. Wait, I don't hate her."  
  
Mary Sue: "Race, I gotta tell you something. I think I love you."  
  
Race: "Oh, jeepers! Really? I've loved you all along! I thought you hated me?"  
  
Mary Sue: "I thought you hated me!"  
  
Race: "Wow. So, do you want to go kiss in the rain and cry and profess how much we adore each other or just have a great fuck session?"  
  
Mary Sue: "Hello, the second one! We can save the happy fluffy bullshit for the sequel." 


	3. The Time Traveler Girl from the Present

A/N: Yeah…I have not updated this in a while, but while perusing the Newsie Mary Sue Litmus Test (Google it, it's gold) I came across an plot device that I just had to do…

THE TIME TRAVELER GIRL FROM THE PRESENT

Mary Sue: "Oh my God! So my life just like sucks so much! I totally hate living in 2009! The present is so gross! EWH! I think I am an old soul and I was like totally born in the wrong year! I know I am destined to like in like the year 1899….because…just because!!! I don't fit in in the present! Oh, and I am so gorgeous. I have long golden hair that would put the sun's rays to shame. And my eyes are so intriguing…one is blue and the other is green!"

:: Scene of walking::

Mary Sue: "So I am just like walking down the street minding my own business and I see this creepy homeless woman up ahead. Ewh, what does she want? Oh, look she is giving me a pretty red amulet. She's telling me to follow my destiny. OMG! I think she was a witch! I think it could be a time machine! I wish I was in 1899!"

::Flash of light::

Mary Sue: "Oh my God! I am in 1899! This is so awesome! This is my destiny! I was right! That old homeless lady was a witch and she wanted me to fulfill my destiny."

Spot: "Uh…hey there. My name's Spot Conlon…So we can go through twenty more chapters with us getting to know each better and falling and love and the inevitable climax of this shitty story where you become conflicted because although you are madly in love with me and know I am your soul mate, you still miss your family from whatever-the-hell-year you are from and want to go back to them…but I gotta poker game I gotta catch with the boys in a few and I don't want to be late."

Mary Sue: "Um…so what are you saying, Spot Conlon?"

Spot: "I'm saying cut the readers and me the bullshit, honey, because ultimately you will realize you love me above all else and want to stay in 1899 with me…but as I said, I'm in a hurry."

Mary Sue: "Um…so what are you saying, Spot Conlon?"

Spot: "What I'm saying is…wanna fuck?"

Mary Sue: "Sure!"

::Scenes of wild fucking::

Spot: Thanks, sweetheart, that was great, but I gotta get going. SEE YA!

::Mary Sue all alone with amulet. Crying.::

Mary Sue: "What the hell? That wasn't part of my destiny! I think I was used!"


End file.
